"Good Morning, Sir! What can I do for you?" I asked him on entering.
'Take your seat...' he replied & added 'I need you to do me a favour...'
Why do managers always start any conversion with 'I need you to' with their sub-ordinates? I'm not sure, but I didn't bother asking him either.
As he continued I slipped into a convenient state of blankness, with an occasional blink every now and then, just like my PC. So much alike are we I thought, especially in giving responses to others. Well I have grown up to a stranger then.
Post my PM's sermon, I went back to my desk and sat back thinking, not about his task that I need to do but about my life & how I ended up here & not in any one of the places, that I had dreamed of.
Dreams? What are they? Why don't they work in all cases?
Well, back to square one again, to where it all started when I woke up, back to my dreams.
Dreams, what are they really? suave vanity of one's creativity? or an outlet to our repressed desires as I thought before? or a way of life for those ignorant kids & the callous and feeble youths, where they dream of making it big, for ignorance is bliss? or is it that the ever observant sub-conscious is trying to convey something in it's inimitable way to their conscious counterparts?
I wasn't able to come to any conclusions. So I decided to dwell further into my early morning dream as it is a basket full of apples required to quench all my unanswered questions, although at the back of my mind I knew that the time was ticking away for me to complete my PM's task.
Okay, one thing at a time & that would be my dream, I decided.
Well for a start, my dream was all dark & I was slipping into the darkness but from where? Wasn't I supposed to be at a racetrack? I tried treading further into my dream.
No sooner I tread into it, I was surrounded by a whole lot of angry mobs, jeering and hounding against me, for what? I didn't know. There was also a lot of pushing & pulling going around as well & slowly I was losing my sight & sense.
I have to do something. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiralling maze of madness, I heard a shrill from a lady.
'Ajay... Here... Get here!!' she yelped in her cries.
I turned back to see through the crowds. There was indeed a lady, in a velvet dress calling my name. she had a flower by her ear. A yellow flower. I couldn't see much of her face though. It wasn't all that clear from this distance. So I tried making my way towards her.
'Ajay... Ajay... No...'
She shrilled more, as the mobs crowded around me.
'Ajay... Ajay...'
Suddenly, I started to feel all their pushing. What's happening? I...
'Ajay... Ajay... Wake up. It's Varun...'
I was shrugged back into my reality by my colleague. Time was ticking away. I rubbed my eyes & slowly opened up to him.
'So how is it going? dizzy?' He asked me cheekily.
I let a sigh of pain and replied 'I wish it was...'
'So what's bothering you now?' he asked me again.
'I'm not sure but you should know, so let me try explaining. It's not a problem when you have questions, just questions, for at least you have some questions, sitting on top of your knowledge which is trying to expand your horizons. It becomes a problem when you have questions on why you question? What with all the knowledge? I was once an avarice reader, now I hardly read. What with all the knowledge? So you get it? What are we doing here? why are we eagerly playing the role they ask as to into in this charade called life? why do we desire? why they ask us to have one house after another? one car after another? one symbol of wealth to another? why we oblige? what's the plot? what's your story?' I uttered with deep pain.
He looked at me with his courtesy smile, stood down from my desk, gave a pat on my back saying 'Take some rest, time may soothe you, not me or my answers' & with that he went back to the rest of the lot, chirping & cheering on his way.
I turned back to my PC & slowly let my fingers trail on it on a lost thought, only to shrug up in the end and heed back to the task my PM assigned me to do.
The time was ticking away but then flashes of my dream & my thoughts are constantly threatening to cloud my state of mind, thundering to heed to their presence & abide by their verdict. I was facing great difficulty as I stride ahead pushing myself into finishing my PM's task. The noon was near.
Suddenly when I was on verge of completing my PM's task the flashes return again & in a rare glimpse I could see who she was as she pushes aside the wisp of her hair that glides across her face. The lady with a yellow flower. I know who she is.
I jumped in joy, surprised on why it didn't flash across my mind earlier. After all how can I miss her, my Aasha & her inimitable style, the flower by her ear. How can I? beside who are the one's behind her? aren't they looking like my friends?
'Ajay... What's happening? Why are you jumping' Varun exclaimed in amusement which brought me back to my sense. My reality rather.
'Er... Shall we go for Lunch?' I replied cheekily trying to avoid an embarrassment.
'Sure... Why not. You don't need to jump for that...' he said & turned around to the rest and added 'What say guys? Lunch?'
After coaxing his colleagues into agreeing he turned back to me and said 'It's good to see the smile back on your face. So what's your excuse now, apart from this er.. breaking for lunch?'
I convulsed and replied 'It's about a dream I had this morning. A dream that had haunted me all this week & finally now, I'm able to remember it all'
'Did you say it's a dream? a Dream?' he said. His eyes were all sparkles.
'Yes' I nodded.
'That's great. Lets talk about it as we stride our way to the food court. Shall we?' he said & opened his arms & greeted me for a good walk chat.
I agreed & made our way towards the food court chirping about my dream on the way.
At the end of it, he replied 'Your dreams, they imply something, don't they?'
'Yes they do' I replied and added 'and that's something I got to find out as...'
Suddenly I was interrupted by the swarm of noise emanating from the food court. It came rushing in, filling my ear drums.
'Jeez' I exclaimed to my annoyance.
'Yup, annoying & inevitable. Come let's make it quick' he added.
As I stepped forward, what crescendo before my eyes was a food court full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
I immediately felt the fate of the repulsing around metal ball in the Pinball game, as where ever I turned, there was a pompous show going on coupled with lot of jeering & trifle talks. Where did Varun go, I didn't know & slowly I was losing my sight & sense.
I have to do something now as somehow it had started to appear all too familiar. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiralling maze of madness, I heard a shrill nearby.
'Ajay... Ajay...' Varun chided me from behind trying to prevent me from slipping further.
'What's happening? Did I blackout?' I uttered in pain.
He looked into my disturbed eyes sternly, for a moment & then replied 'Eh, let's not dwell over it. Let's get going' & with that he pulled me away from those annoying glances around me.
What have I done. I...
'Ajay... Ajay...' he interrupted again for good and added 'Forget it bro... Here is the coupon, let's get some food now. Remember shit happens...'
Much to my relief I soon began garbing my lunch forgetting those annoying glances that had startled me a while ago.
After the lunch varun invited me to the smoking zone. It's been our norm, food court will be followed by the smoking zone.
When we reached that place, we were greeted by Ajith aka Sir for his knowledge. Varun greeted Sir, and slipped into his ritualistic smoking.
Sir looked at me & said 'Never trust others. Light your own pyre. Start smoking...' Well Sir didn't change much, not even by a bit, after all the these days of his bitter life, he still has his flair intact.
'Why don't you try lighting up your pyre...' he further added.
'For what for, others are?!' I replied turning down his offer for smoke.
'Do you really care?' he asked me quaint eyed. 'Now don't cuss me for asking that...' he further added.
I laughed & replied 'Don't question me, for even the most egoistic man will have to step out, at the start of his day to quench the quest of his within, which as we all know lay outside his realm, in the beyond & know what, it's the humanity that makes sure he gets a fair chance in that journey. So better say Heil to humanity & not cuss around
it...'
It obviously rubbed Sir the wrong way. He took a few angry puffs, looked at me sternly & bolted 'But Ajay, even the best spokesman for your humanity, at the end of the day starts feeling the urge to head home & close all his doors & windows & slip into his bed all alone or to be with the one he loved & that ‘be his lady & not any one of those strangers & that be himself included to whom he has sold this grand idea of humanity' he paused for a puff, then raised in his folded fingers his cigarette, like an Olympic lantern for the toast of all and smirked 'the grand idea of humanity..' & then nudged it a bit & let his gaze drift on to those fallen ashes, & then on to the flame end of the cigarette & finally rested it at the wisp of smoke that tried forming a shape before withering away leaving me to his gaze. He looked at me sternly & continued further 'and do you know why he did that? Hmm?!
'It's because of the 'I' in him, to which he adheres to very dearly. The 'I' is that, what we create based on our understanding of 'Our-Self' in our life & the 'I' that prefers selflessness, is an 'I' that wants to discard it's self, in the sense it's origins as it isn't happy about it & perceives it to be it's weakness & to strengthen itself from it's self, it needs more than the 'self' it had since it's origins. It now needs more. It looks to the beyond & it's because of this the man to whom the 'I' belongs, likes to talk about humanity to soothe the Intellect part in that 'I' & to prove he thinks beyond his 'Self' & it's needs, but an 'I' (a man) that's selfless, is in actuality an 'I' that wants to out-grow it's Self, an 'I' that wants to make a mark on it's own out here & to spread it's horizon further into the infinite & hence the man it represents starts raising his own house, his own family & at best his own troupe, from Moses to Lenin, Buddha to Castro, all who talked of selflessness & boasted the same for a greater good, infer humanity although Lenin & Castro would contradict that by referring working class here, have walked this path.'
'Sample the troupe of these selflessness men, & you will know that they have always cut a sorry figure in comparison to their masters & never could they reach the pedestal their masters adorned. Why be a leader of a troupe, if humanity infer equality, is all what they seek. why be the lead who commands? So remember, all who say they work for the greater good for sure have a greater 'I' lurking deep within, which they try satisfying at all times, be it Jesus or Gandhi. All they want is to soothe the inside even if they show they are there for the outside. All what you see around you every day, all that sacrifices that raised modern nation-states & all the religions of this world, for beyond, is all because of the need to quench the lurching 'I' in them & not because of humanity' he paused & went for another round of puffing.
'In the end, we have lost our humans & your humanity in their fights between 'Good' & 'Evil'. 'Thy-self' & 'I' rather. Better not to lose your-self in it too, so at best be indifferent, after all ignorance may be bliss but indifference it's nirvana' he concluded with his eyes wide shut.
'So you mean to say, there can never be selflessness in humans?' I tried prodding him further.
He was like an angry sage who's thapas has been disturbed. He looked at me like a thunder before sniffing his puff and continued 'Where do you want to run kid? At best you can avoid is your very own shadow but never ever you can of your-self. Selflessness? There's never been one like that. No matter what the 'I' tries, it can never break free of
it's self and it's origins. After all it is the product of their outcome & hence it will always feel that weakness, which will only push it further into the infinite'.
'So selflessness is non-existent in this life & it's death as well. As you see, when you die who carry you? Not anybody in the name of humanity but your own kins, they 'be your 'others' not anyone else and if your a big shot then you will be carried by your troupe, that's the best you can get out of here by expanding your... (he holds for a moment) er... what they say? horizons...' with that he chuckled & convulsed into his delirium.
'So you mean to say, everybody is selfish out here?' I asked him again as I was like a cat that sniffed some milk.
He paused to look at me, & then convulsed again into a delirium. After a while he looked at me & said 'It's not as bad as you make it out to be Kid, but yes, there exist just indifference & selfish in one's life. Look around diligently, & if you do, you will find this & only this and nothing more. So sleep over it...'
'Our indifference is from our nature & our selfish is from our brothers, life hence grows out to be unfair, and we learn this the hard way. So yes, everything is selfish, in essence self's wish if you are able to deconstruct your 'I'. It ain't all that bad, let me tell you why, it's because like a lotus in a mud-pond, fairness blossoms in humans, through the self's innermost wish. Though the self knows that things wouldn't be in it's favour when one is fair, it still prefers fairness in a masochist sense, for it needs an ideal to exist, one thing that it can't be indifferent to. That's the beauty of our self.
It's that, that completes us, for after all real beauty lay in spite of actual flaws...'
'So why isn't selflessness an ideal?' I prompted.
'It can't be, for it's self contradicting. If it's to be an ideal, it should be indifferent. Like art, like nature, never taking sides & in that sense they complement our innermost self's stance, especially art. One can live a life without it, but can one ever lead a life in it's absence? Can one ever?' he paused to look back at me as if he had a wanting to say something more, but rather let his look stay on me for a while, letting the silence to cast it's spell on me & then
shrugged himself back into puffing.
After a while, looking again at the flaming end of his withering cigarette he continued 'Talking of Art, if necessity is the mother of all creations, ability is the father we fail to talk about. We create because we are able to & not always out of necessity, especially art which we create not out of necessity but always out of our ability. Hence Art always has many a fathers & far few mothers although Art in itself is motherly, in the sense, it's something that we yield to like nature'.
He paused, took his puff & continued 'Desire to be loved, make us humans but enough of it I say as humanity will never takes us far. Far into the beyond, so Desire today to be an artist, for it will make us the gods, the creator, desire will, desire in an Artist's Will will & never ever you dream about these things, for dreams are desires of the weak. We are not one. Desire, so sky be your limit for they are in the realm of our Mind, in the realm of limitless & not of physics, which is full of limits & norms. So desire, will you, as an artist?!' he stood up and squeezed my hands while uttering those lost few words.'
'Er... Don't know, I'm not sure of what I want, for I'm not sure of any anymore' I uttered to my discomfort.
'Remember kid, Shadows are not actual reality, just like perception they are reflections of reality thus forming a part of reality, though they always have to rely in actuality to get their reality. So don't rely on perception to form your reality, your life rather.'
'What's the plot then?' I questioned.
'The end for any life is its death & the end for any question is its answer but then there is always more to life & our questions than just death or answers so never base the judgement of the question based on just answers & life on death. In short don't ever try looking for a plot' he answered.
'How I wish I was ignorant?' I uttered in pain on hearing this.
'Only the ignorant wish out here, kid. Remember that and don't worry about the journey ahead or what your final destination is. Leave it to life. It knows better for after all, Life is a great leveller, like water it ebbs & flows seeking its own levels. No wonder we couldn't hold them for more than a moment, and these moments. What shall I say of them, for no matter how bitter they are, they will always turn sweeter when we try remembering it later. That's their beauty, in being contradictory. So time a trickster? or is that emotions don't shore up for long? A few more cards up my sleeve before game ends' with that he took his final puff & stamped his cigarette & was ready to move.
'So?!' I prodded him to continue.
'In the end even the end doesn't matter' he laughed & further added 'as after all, we all are just impressions of other's reflections. our end isn't the end. There will be others who will take this quest forward. No matter how hard you try denying, this truth will come upon you like a tide onto its shore. So in the end, I'm still a nobody of somebody. With that let me take a leave of you.' and he bid me adieu.
When he tried to jog his way out he slipped & if not for me and varun he would have fallen as well.
He looked at us & chuckled 'Two steps at a time, can't manage more, Can we? But will our Will listen? Never' with that he sprinted his way out into the crowd & beyond.
Looking in his direction varun puffed & replied 'He is one hell of a man, isn't he?'
'Yes' I said & looked into his wisp of smoke & saw in it my life as it floated in the air trying to form a shape before withering away. I shrugged & muttered 'Inquisitive day, in an inquisitive life' & looked away from his direction while adding 'Er.. let's get going, shall we' and with that I made my way into the crowd to get lost, for a while though.
'Take your seat...' he replied & added 'I need you to do me a favour...'
Why do managers always start any conversion with 'I need you to' with their sub-ordinates? I'm not sure, but I didn't bother asking him either.
As he continued I slipped into a convenient state of blankness, with an occasional blink every now and then, just like my PC. So much alike are we I thought, especially in giving responses to others. Well I have grown up to a stranger then.
Post my PM's sermon, I went back to my desk and sat back thinking, not about his task that I need to do but about my life & how I ended up here & not in any one of the places, that I had dreamed of.
Dreams? What are they? Why don't they work in all cases?
Well, back to square one again, to where it all started when I woke up, back to my dreams.
Dreams, what are they really? suave vanity of one's creativity? or an outlet to our repressed desires as I thought before? or a way of life for those ignorant kids & the callous and feeble youths, where they dream of making it big, for ignorance is bliss? or is it that the ever observant sub-conscious is trying to convey something in it's inimitable way to their conscious counterparts?
I wasn't able to come to any conclusions. So I decided to dwell further into my early morning dream as it is a basket full of apples required to quench all my unanswered questions, although at the back of my mind I knew that the time was ticking away for me to complete my PM's task.
Okay, one thing at a time & that would be my dream, I decided.
Well for a start, my dream was all dark & I was slipping into the darkness but from where? Wasn't I supposed to be at a racetrack? I tried treading further into my dream.
No sooner I tread into it, I was surrounded by a whole lot of angry mobs, jeering and hounding against me, for what? I didn't know. There was also a lot of pushing & pulling going around as well & slowly I was losing my sight & sense.
I have to do something. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiralling maze of madness, I heard a shrill from a lady.
'Ajay... Here... Get here!!' she yelped in her cries.
I turned back to see through the crowds. There was indeed a lady, in a velvet dress calling my name. she had a flower by her ear. A yellow flower. I couldn't see much of her face though. It wasn't all that clear from this distance. So I tried making my way towards her.
'Ajay... Ajay... No...'
She shrilled more, as the mobs crowded around me.
'Ajay... Ajay...'
Suddenly, I started to feel all their pushing. What's happening? I...
'Ajay... Ajay... Wake up. It's Varun...'
I was shrugged back into my reality by my colleague. Time was ticking away. I rubbed my eyes & slowly opened up to him.
'So how is it going? dizzy?' He asked me cheekily.
I let a sigh of pain and replied 'I wish it was...'
'So what's bothering you now?' he asked me again.
'I'm not sure but you should know, so let me try explaining. It's not a problem when you have questions, just questions, for at least you have some questions, sitting on top of your knowledge which is trying to expand your horizons. It becomes a problem when you have questions on why you question? What with all the knowledge? I was once an avarice reader, now I hardly read. What with all the knowledge? So you get it? What are we doing here? why are we eagerly playing the role they ask as to into in this charade called life? why do we desire? why they ask us to have one house after another? one car after another? one symbol of wealth to another? why we oblige? what's the plot? what's your story?' I uttered with deep pain.
He looked at me with his courtesy smile, stood down from my desk, gave a pat on my back saying 'Take some rest, time may soothe you, not me or my answers' & with that he went back to the rest of the lot, chirping & cheering on his way.
I turned back to my PC & slowly let my fingers trail on it on a lost thought, only to shrug up in the end and heed back to the task my PM assigned me to do.
The time was ticking away but then flashes of my dream & my thoughts are constantly threatening to cloud my state of mind, thundering to heed to their presence & abide by their verdict. I was facing great difficulty as I stride ahead pushing myself into finishing my PM's task. The noon was near.
Suddenly when I was on verge of completing my PM's task the flashes return again & in a rare glimpse I could see who she was as she pushes aside the wisp of her hair that glides across her face. The lady with a yellow flower. I know who she is.
I jumped in joy, surprised on why it didn't flash across my mind earlier. After all how can I miss her, my Aasha & her inimitable style, the flower by her ear. How can I? beside who are the one's behind her? aren't they looking like my friends?
'Ajay... What's happening? Why are you jumping' Varun exclaimed in amusement which brought me back to my sense. My reality rather.
'Er... Shall we go for Lunch?' I replied cheekily trying to avoid an embarrassment.
'Sure... Why not. You don't need to jump for that...' he said & turned around to the rest and added 'What say guys? Lunch?'
After coaxing his colleagues into agreeing he turned back to me and said 'It's good to see the smile back on your face. So what's your excuse now, apart from this er.. breaking for lunch?'
I convulsed and replied 'It's about a dream I had this morning. A dream that had haunted me all this week & finally now, I'm able to remember it all'
'Did you say it's a dream? a Dream?' he said. His eyes were all sparkles.
'Yes' I nodded.
'That's great. Lets talk about it as we stride our way to the food court. Shall we?' he said & opened his arms & greeted me for a good walk chat.
I agreed & made our way towards the food court chirping about my dream on the way.
At the end of it, he replied 'Your dreams, they imply something, don't they?'
'Yes they do' I replied and added 'and that's something I got to find out as...'
Suddenly I was interrupted by the swarm of noise emanating from the food court. It came rushing in, filling my ear drums.
'Jeez' I exclaimed to my annoyance.
'Yup, annoying & inevitable. Come let's make it quick' he added.
As I stepped forward, what crescendo before my eyes was a food court full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
I immediately felt the fate of the repulsing around metal ball in the Pinball game, as where ever I turned, there was a pompous show going on coupled with lot of jeering & trifle talks. Where did Varun go, I didn't know & slowly I was losing my sight & sense.
I have to do something now as somehow it had started to appear all too familiar. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiralling maze of madness, I heard a shrill nearby.
'Ajay... Ajay...' Varun chided me from behind trying to prevent me from slipping further.
'What's happening? Did I blackout?' I uttered in pain.
He looked into my disturbed eyes sternly, for a moment & then replied 'Eh, let's not dwell over it. Let's get going' & with that he pulled me away from those annoying glances around me.
What have I done. I...
'Ajay... Ajay...' he interrupted again for good and added 'Forget it bro... Here is the coupon, let's get some food now. Remember shit happens...'
Much to my relief I soon began garbing my lunch forgetting those annoying glances that had startled me a while ago.
After the lunch varun invited me to the smoking zone. It's been our norm, food court will be followed by the smoking zone.
When we reached that place, we were greeted by Ajith aka Sir for his knowledge. Varun greeted Sir, and slipped into his ritualistic smoking.
Sir looked at me & said 'Never trust others. Light your own pyre. Start smoking...' Well Sir didn't change much, not even by a bit, after all the these days of his bitter life, he still has his flair intact.
'Why don't you try lighting up your pyre...' he further added.
'For what for, others are?!' I replied turning down his offer for smoke.
'Do you really care?' he asked me quaint eyed. 'Now don't cuss me for asking that...' he further added.
I laughed & replied 'Don't question me, for even the most egoistic man will have to step out, at the start of his day to quench the quest of his within, which as we all know lay outside his realm, in the beyond & know what, it's the humanity that makes sure he gets a fair chance in that journey. So better say Heil to humanity & not cuss around
it...'
It obviously rubbed Sir the wrong way. He took a few angry puffs, looked at me sternly & bolted 'But Ajay, even the best spokesman for your humanity, at the end of the day starts feeling the urge to head home & close all his doors & windows & slip into his bed all alone or to be with the one he loved & that ‘be his lady & not any one of those strangers & that be himself included to whom he has sold this grand idea of humanity' he paused for a puff, then raised in his folded fingers his cigarette, like an Olympic lantern for the toast of all and smirked 'the grand idea of humanity..' & then nudged it a bit & let his gaze drift on to those fallen ashes, & then on to the flame end of the cigarette & finally rested it at the wisp of smoke that tried forming a shape before withering away leaving me to his gaze. He looked at me sternly & continued further 'and do you know why he did that? Hmm?!
'It's because of the 'I' in him, to which he adheres to very dearly. The 'I' is that, what we create based on our understanding of 'Our-Self' in our life & the 'I' that prefers selflessness, is an 'I' that wants to discard it's self, in the sense it's origins as it isn't happy about it & perceives it to be it's weakness & to strengthen itself from it's self, it needs more than the 'self' it had since it's origins. It now needs more. It looks to the beyond & it's because of this the man to whom the 'I' belongs, likes to talk about humanity to soothe the Intellect part in that 'I' & to prove he thinks beyond his 'Self' & it's needs, but an 'I' (a man) that's selfless, is in actuality an 'I' that wants to out-grow it's Self, an 'I' that wants to make a mark on it's own out here & to spread it's horizon further into the infinite & hence the man it represents starts raising his own house, his own family & at best his own troupe, from Moses to Lenin, Buddha to Castro, all who talked of selflessness & boasted the same for a greater good, infer humanity although Lenin & Castro would contradict that by referring working class here, have walked this path.'
'Sample the troupe of these selflessness men, & you will know that they have always cut a sorry figure in comparison to their masters & never could they reach the pedestal their masters adorned. Why be a leader of a troupe, if humanity infer equality, is all what they seek. why be the lead who commands? So remember, all who say they work for the greater good for sure have a greater 'I' lurking deep within, which they try satisfying at all times, be it Jesus or Gandhi. All they want is to soothe the inside even if they show they are there for the outside. All what you see around you every day, all that sacrifices that raised modern nation-states & all the religions of this world, for beyond, is all because of the need to quench the lurching 'I' in them & not because of humanity' he paused & went for another round of puffing.
'In the end, we have lost our humans & your humanity in their fights between 'Good' & 'Evil'. 'Thy-self' & 'I' rather. Better not to lose your-self in it too, so at best be indifferent, after all ignorance may be bliss but indifference it's nirvana' he concluded with his eyes wide shut.
'So you mean to say, there can never be selflessness in humans?' I tried prodding him further.
He was like an angry sage who's thapas has been disturbed. He looked at me like a thunder before sniffing his puff and continued 'Where do you want to run kid? At best you can avoid is your very own shadow but never ever you can of your-self. Selflessness? There's never been one like that. No matter what the 'I' tries, it can never break free of
it's self and it's origins. After all it is the product of their outcome & hence it will always feel that weakness, which will only push it further into the infinite'.
'So selflessness is non-existent in this life & it's death as well. As you see, when you die who carry you? Not anybody in the name of humanity but your own kins, they 'be your 'others' not anyone else and if your a big shot then you will be carried by your troupe, that's the best you can get out of here by expanding your... (he holds for a moment) er... what they say? horizons...' with that he chuckled & convulsed into his delirium.
'So you mean to say, everybody is selfish out here?' I asked him again as I was like a cat that sniffed some milk.
He paused to look at me, & then convulsed again into a delirium. After a while he looked at me & said 'It's not as bad as you make it out to be Kid, but yes, there exist just indifference & selfish in one's life. Look around diligently, & if you do, you will find this & only this and nothing more. So sleep over it...'
'Our indifference is from our nature & our selfish is from our brothers, life hence grows out to be unfair, and we learn this the hard way. So yes, everything is selfish, in essence self's wish if you are able to deconstruct your 'I'. It ain't all that bad, let me tell you why, it's because like a lotus in a mud-pond, fairness blossoms in humans, through the self's innermost wish. Though the self knows that things wouldn't be in it's favour when one is fair, it still prefers fairness in a masochist sense, for it needs an ideal to exist, one thing that it can't be indifferent to. That's the beauty of our self.
It's that, that completes us, for after all real beauty lay in spite of actual flaws...'
'So why isn't selflessness an ideal?' I prompted.
'It can't be, for it's self contradicting. If it's to be an ideal, it should be indifferent. Like art, like nature, never taking sides & in that sense they complement our innermost self's stance, especially art. One can live a life without it, but can one ever lead a life in it's absence? Can one ever?' he paused to look back at me as if he had a wanting to say something more, but rather let his look stay on me for a while, letting the silence to cast it's spell on me & then
shrugged himself back into puffing.
After a while, looking again at the flaming end of his withering cigarette he continued 'Talking of Art, if necessity is the mother of all creations, ability is the father we fail to talk about. We create because we are able to & not always out of necessity, especially art which we create not out of necessity but always out of our ability. Hence Art always has many a fathers & far few mothers although Art in itself is motherly, in the sense, it's something that we yield to like nature'.
He paused, took his puff & continued 'Desire to be loved, make us humans but enough of it I say as humanity will never takes us far. Far into the beyond, so Desire today to be an artist, for it will make us the gods, the creator, desire will, desire in an Artist's Will will & never ever you dream about these things, for dreams are desires of the weak. We are not one. Desire, so sky be your limit for they are in the realm of our Mind, in the realm of limitless & not of physics, which is full of limits & norms. So desire, will you, as an artist?!' he stood up and squeezed my hands while uttering those lost few words.'
'Er... Don't know, I'm not sure of what I want, for I'm not sure of any anymore' I uttered to my discomfort.
'Remember kid, Shadows are not actual reality, just like perception they are reflections of reality thus forming a part of reality, though they always have to rely in actuality to get their reality. So don't rely on perception to form your reality, your life rather.'
'What's the plot then?' I questioned.
'The end for any life is its death & the end for any question is its answer but then there is always more to life & our questions than just death or answers so never base the judgement of the question based on just answers & life on death. In short don't ever try looking for a plot' he answered.
'How I wish I was ignorant?' I uttered in pain on hearing this.
'Only the ignorant wish out here, kid. Remember that and don't worry about the journey ahead or what your final destination is. Leave it to life. It knows better for after all, Life is a great leveller, like water it ebbs & flows seeking its own levels. No wonder we couldn't hold them for more than a moment, and these moments. What shall I say of them, for no matter how bitter they are, they will always turn sweeter when we try remembering it later. That's their beauty, in being contradictory. So time a trickster? or is that emotions don't shore up for long? A few more cards up my sleeve before game ends' with that he took his final puff & stamped his cigarette & was ready to move.
'So?!' I prodded him to continue.
'In the end even the end doesn't matter' he laughed & further added 'as after all, we all are just impressions of other's reflections. our end isn't the end. There will be others who will take this quest forward. No matter how hard you try denying, this truth will come upon you like a tide onto its shore. So in the end, I'm still a nobody of somebody. With that let me take a leave of you.' and he bid me adieu.
When he tried to jog his way out he slipped & if not for me and varun he would have fallen as well.
He looked at us & chuckled 'Two steps at a time, can't manage more, Can we? But will our Will listen? Never' with that he sprinted his way out into the crowd & beyond.
Looking in his direction varun puffed & replied 'He is one hell of a man, isn't he?'
'Yes' I said & looked into his wisp of smoke & saw in it my life as it floated in the air trying to form a shape before withering away. I shrugged & muttered 'Inquisitive day, in an inquisitive life' & looked away from his direction while adding 'Er.. let's get going, shall we' and with that I made my way into the crowd to get lost, for a while though.
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