Prologue
I couldn't make out what's in front of my eyes, as it was all smudgy. Have my glasses frosted? I'm not sure.
Where am I? Not sure either, but there was a definite push & pull happening around, and yes a lot of jeering too. What are they jeering for? I decided to poke my nose in.
Slowly with every step the frost view melted into a clear sighting & what crescendoed before my eyes was a racetrack full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
And then, there was an announcement from the speaker
'Ladies and Gentlemen, Hold on to your bets & breath, as your race begins (he then holds for a moment) now'
Wow... Galloping horses, a sight to watch & can be matched only by a fast gait stride of the free spirited vagabonds, truly magnificent but then out here, even these vagabonds are bounded to a track under the whips & pulls of their powerful riders.
The mobs are least bothered of it all, and are into a heightened frenzy with the onset of this race & I too decided to join this frenzied charade for, I had a why.
Slowly I pushed my way towards the railing coupled with my customary smile, to catch a glimpse of this frenzied charade.
As I reached the railings, the Guy nearby greeted me with a question. 'Which one are you cheering for?...'
I haven't made a call till then, So as I was prompted, I stood over the railing, took a look at the lot & replied 'I will be rooting for the dark one...'
After all, there is always something about those dark ones, which we may never know, though having willed.
'Wonderful...' he replied, interspersing with his claps he further added 'Although I would like to say may the best one win, I always wish it’s the one I bet on...'
I looked at him with my courtesy smile, stood down, didn't bother asking in which one he has layed his bets on, but gave a pat on his back & went ahead like the rest in cheering & hounding for their lot.
As the horses came for a cross, the slogans around reached a feverish pitch & the Guy nearby stood over the railing fisting & howling 'Go boy... Go…'
Then something strange happened at that point. As the horses were making their pass, there was a momentary pause, followed by a deadening silence, then the dark one looked at me as if to say something, but rather it let its look stay on me for a while, only to smile at me in the end & then it went back to its running.
Suddenly I could feel the slash of the whip on my back and a pull around my neck. The surrounding noise came rushing in, filling my ear drums. I was lost. The mobs, for reason I could hardly fathom, turned against me, & started hounding and howling at my state. Where did the Guy go, I didn't know. Slowly I was losing my sight & sense quite rapidly.
I have to do something. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiraling maze of madness, I heard a shrill from a lady.
'Ajay... Here... Get here!!' she yelped in her cries.
I turned back to see through the crowds. There was indeed a lady in a velvet dress calling my name. she had a flower by her ear. A yellow flower. I couldn't see much of her face though. It wasn't all that clear from this distance. So I tried making my way towards her.
'Ajay... Ajay... No...'
She shrilled more, as the mobs crowded around me.
Suddenly our Guy stepped in front of me & much to my surprise, he pushed me back with both his hands.
'Ajay... Aja...'
The voice died on me as I slipped into the darkness.
For a brief moment, I felt like, I was a fig leaf swirling under the autumn wind, in an abyss such as this life that is just slipping away, far further away into the darkness.
Where am I slipping into? I tried prodding further. Is it a well? Or am I into a cave? Or I’m between two mountains? Err It was suppose to be a racetrack isn't?! I'm not sure. I...
Thud!!
I woke up, in a bit of a shock. My head!! Ouch!! I clenched my forehead as reality sank in.
Dreams, damn them all. What are they? Can’t ever deny them, can we? Suave vanity of one's creativity, one is never sure of one's dreams, or its intent. It's like peeping into a disturbed pond of your mind, to get a glimpse of yourself, though you never sure of what's in your-self, however having let it slip away to the back of my mind, like a sly act rather, now all I'm left with is a tinge of pain right in my forehead.
So what was I dreaming about? Could hardly put it all, in one piece. It's all potsherds here, that is all the trail into the back of my mind could yield. Such is our self too, if we trail into the back of our life isn't?
Wish everyday turned this way like this inquisitive dream. Wish this life, in this day.
I looked around to see the sun prodding out of its veiling clouds.This knocking myself act has become a ritual this week around. I was getting a sense of Déjà vu. Every day comes to pass just like the one before, adding nothing more to my life, but a lot more counting.
'Let's break this cycle, for I shouldn't start a day with blotched head. Let alone a blotched dream.' I uttered to myself.
I Stood up & got to bed thinking what more my dream could have. Got to have an ending for sure, let me try scripting it then, for I have willed.
Are dreams, the masks, our repressed desires wear?!
Chapter 1: The Memoirs of a day - Morning.
Peep. Peep.
No sooner I started getting grooved for an end to my dream, my alarm shrieked me back into reality, bringing my dream to its realistic end.
'No, no no no. This can't be true. This isn't fair.' I cried in vain before twiddling across & setting it off but then at that moment, I heard it again, the voice was different but it was definitely my name that the person was calling. Am I still in my dream?
"Ajay. Wake up... Ajay. Wake up..."
As I was pushed around, I skewed my eyes in the direction of that voice.
"Ajay, your time is up... Now get your ass off that bed... Quick..."
Hah, back to reality, eh?
The voice is of Raj's & that is his usual morning greetings. He always works closely in cahoots with my alarm, surprising isn't? Don't be as they both have common purpose to pursue in life. That's to pull me down to reality, after all since when did this world & it's belongings let anyone, let alone me to pursue their dreams for long, for they will say that we are drifting far further away from reality, but if they could only see that we are actually striving hard to bring these two worlds together.
I wriggled and sat up. It was all dizzy before my eyes. 'My eyes, shit... This morning blues & not blooms.' I uttered & added '5 more minutes guys. Just five more minutes...'
With that, I cocooned again under my sheet. Good heavens! It's all bliss once again. I now need to construct an end, for I had dreamed.
Well, where was I? It was all dark, and I was slipping, but from where? Where was I?
Racetrack... It was a race...
Peep. Peep. Bloody alarm, can't it hear what I'm talking...?
'Ajay get your ass off that bed now...'
Well, apparently so was my friend, my alarm's compatriot. Unheard were they, to my needs. 'This world, what is it turning into? There ain’t any difference between Men and Machines nowadays, as they both fail to understand the other's sensibilities, if ever they had one. Call some editor!! This should be in today's morning bulletin!!' I yelped to my utter disdain.
I stood up, and as soon as I did that, I felt a thousand arms casting upon me. I was losing my hold & slipping, like a fig leaf against the streaks of morning light.
'Wow. You finally got up without much fuzz today. Definitely it's going to rain tonight.' Raj greeted me once again. Ranting & Raj are inseparable twins.
He Continued. 'Now head to the basin & refresh. It will be seven soon, so we need to be quick. You…'
I cut him off, with my morning pleasantries & prodded my-self to get ahead with the day, since I knew all too well that Raj can't be shut for long but then at the basin, I got fixated with the eyes in the mirror, the eyes that said it all that the lips in its cries could never ever, that I was in such a mess, my life was, my eyes they said it all.
Can't help, I looked back into my eyes, Life as I saw there, was nothing more than, chronology of one's chronic memoirs slipping away like a autumn leaf, off its tree. These memoirs look good when we don't remember much, just like our dream, as then the moment we live in is all the bliss we will ever have, Will will too & not our past for which we always have a secret longing with a desire IF for a change, a desire IF which inadvertently spawned our gods & their morals.
Our past, though is no different from our ideal desiring future as both are far away from our reach. Like those distant stars, we look unto them, as we go through our everyday struggle in life. Therein lay their charm, In being beyond. All erudite men realize this truth, as they grow but they don't dither and deter in their persuasion of life, of what lay ahead & beyond. Can I’ be any different??!
'Ajay, make it quick bro. It's time.'
Raj's stern voice broke the spell of my thoughts for now & how? Hmm. His purpose reminded him of pulling me back to reality, mine though will come back onto haunt me like now, on how forgotten, I'm on them.
Stop dwelling, there is a day before those eyes I reminded myself & started brushing.
The world which is usually in a fast forward mode became a tart too slower under the spell of the brush between my teeth. I felt like am holding a magic wand. Well that is the charm of our early morning, it's like our early life, where dreams are much closer to us than reality as we are, somewhere in a no man's land trudging slowly towards our reality.
I brushed off and started washing my face but then those eyes in the mirror, they where now smirking at me on my plight, as my everyday charade of running towards the life has started. It's no different from that of a race horse speeding off in the racetrack under the whip & pull of its rider. Who is my rider here? Fate or this system? I quivered in pain. I tried washing away those smirks but no matter how many times I tired splashing my face with water, but the smirk refused to go. The more I splashed, the more I could of the whip and pull. Soon the smirk broke into a laughter, the echoes of which started reeling in my ears.
The ones with nightmares they would say, that you can take a face out of a smirk but never a smirk out of a face & then all of sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder. I quivered again before skewing back, it was Raj much to my relief. With an effervescent smile he looked at me & with all the more caring he asked 'Haunting dreams again?!'
Surprised at his rant-less approach, I nodded with a faint yes after all this isn't the first morning I'm having such trouble. This has been the story of this week. Raj knew it all too well. Hence he looked up at me with all the more caring and said 'It's fine bro, cheer up!! Your nightmares will soon find itself out of place in this broad daylight, for they always rely on the tricks of our nights, counting on when we are not that sure. Go wash away your sleep and these nightmares. This day is waiting for you. Carpe Diem...'
He ended with a hiss that countered the spell on me, for good. Soon I slipped under the shower to cleanse the prodding thoughts & got baptized for the day, or so I thought.
Moments later, we were travelling in his bike heading for our office. It was a beautiful day, bathed afresh by those late night showers. The sun was gleaming across the horizon lighting various colors in our sky & in our mind. The sky as always comes on to represent what mind can at all times, it’s in being limitless. That's the desire deep down in all our minds. To be Limitless, in this life.
'Ajay! Ajay! Still clouded in those thoughts? Quit thinking bro, be an idiot, for after all ignorance is bliss. What say? Ajay are you listening?'
'Yes, no. I don't know.' I blurted out rapidly as the spells of my thoughts were broken once again. I somehow couldn't put to words on how much I wished I was ignorant at that moment, for there was an underlying fear. Why? I don't know. I could feel the whip of the racing horse again.
Raj paused for a while waiting for some more response from my end. Since I didn't prod further, he murmured a bit but went ahead with his driving. I looked away from the skies, into the bristling vehicles, fagged trees, strayed dogs, stagnant water all lit to thy eyes by those streaks of light spilling out of those up above clouds. All this is for what? Whom are we trying to please here, with this existence? And whose charade is this anyway?
I don't know but not wanting to be caught again for dwelling I strayed further away. Down the road my eyes caught sight of a head shattered cat bled to its death, not a pleasing sight, not something I would wish watching very early in the day but strangely neither can I draw my eyes away. It's an arresting experience after all, watching the dead, of the unknown to be precise. I felt bad, quite bad on knowing this, as I still couldn't draw my eyes away.
To add to my woes, we got struck there, thanks to this great Indian traffic while the carcass having lost its pair is now readily drawing the others. Flies, on having crossed past those dried blood stains are having a gala of feast on those wounded flesh. Is one's death the others feast?
I couldn't ignore the sight even as Raj whizzed away, the moment the traffic eased. I kept turning back until carcass blurted away as a dot. Is watching the dead, voyeuristic for the alive? I didn't know. I sank deeper into my thoughts for how much so I may detest them, they will always be the first I would turn up to if I have to tread further into this abyss called life.
I questioned again. Is it voyeuristic? Watching the dead? If so then, is this also a reason that draws men to war. To watch the death delivered by their very own hands to others, thereby trumping the others in our stay out here? What is war? An excuse for unleashing our repressed desires? Isn’t that the job of our dreams?! Though a war, may start for a reason or righteousness or so we say, we never know when to end, as when we go too deep, we discard the reason & the righteousness & start falling in love with war, feeling voyeuristic, result no more a matter of our concern, just the process, the process of exercising one's power is all that we crave for.
So is there an end to war? Will there ever be a peace? May be, for wars are very much like a forest fire mostly sparked off by a small tiff, it rages on bequeathing only to its elder never to the wiser. In the end though, they all go down as ashes, of no consequence.
So, is life like war? As life too like war is sparked off by a small tiff from the eyes of our beloved, a tiff that starts a raging fire from deep within, of great consequence it erupts as us in here but we bequeath ourselves to a greater rage in love, war, passion or desire although in the end, it all smolders down to ashes as death, the only consequential act in an inconsequential life.
Is this all, our life is about? An inconsequential race where death is its only consequential end?! Is it of no difference whether it’s the life of a man or of a cat for in the end, after all the run for the dreams, and for the desires, it's only the death that greets us at the finishing line neither the beyond nor the limitless, that the mind
aspires to. I shuddered at that thought as I could feel the whip of the race horse once again. What are we racing upto, if death is all that may greet us.
When I reached my office the dead cat was still hovering over my mind & the whips too. I told Raj that I will check back with him by evening & walked away to my office with a pang of conscience.
Life? Could I love it? This morning memoirs are clouding my judgment if so could I hate this life? Somehow I could do neither, much to my chagrin. After all a life is all I got, for even if I have to hate it or love it, it will all be in this one life, that I got.
With so much of emotions convulsing deep within, I reached my desk & started my PC. Much like me, it too had a slow start for the day & as it was booting, I noticed the cursor making more blinks when prompted unlike me, on a query. Realizing this, I couldn't help but convulse with a mighty roar, inviting annoying glances from my nearby cubicles.
So I cut down my tone & went ahead with my morning task of grazing through my mails wondering on how well I'm able to connect with this device & share a good laugh, something that eluded me throughout my journey, this morning.
Just then my manager pinged me asking me to catch up with him at his desk for some work. I didn't have much hope on the task ahead, after all the script doesn't change much in IT isn't? So I gave a gentle tab to my PC head & took my strides towards my manager's cubicle.
I don’t believe in any, anymore.
Epilogue
Dreams are pulling me into their world & Desires are pushing me in this world. In this push & pull of life I'm losing track of what reality is as I slipped into yet another moment of roar & utter chaos with a racetrack full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
There I could see 'My' Aasha in her Velvet gown & white gloves with a yellow flower over her ear asking me to come by her side, beside her was Garv giving a welcome nod to me. Then there was Raj standing on top of the railing & rooting his hand for the dark horse & Sir who was clapping cheerfully over the proceedings with a smoking pipe over his mouth.
Apparently with the onset of the race the crowd had gone into a heightened frenzy & I too decided to join this frenzied charade beside my group for, I had a why.
As I head closer, Aasha pulled me towards her by my hands, and gave me a hug & a kiss, and then she stokes my chin & whispers by my ear saying "Ajay look!!..."
She let her right arm wag a bit before pointing at the dark horse that's leading the pack against a verdant background.
"That's the one we made our bets at, remember & that’s the one up in front..." she yelped that last part in excitement.
Then something strange happened at that point. As the horses were making their pass, there was a momentary pause, followed by a deadening silence, then the dark one looked at me as if to say something, but rather it let its look stay on me for a while, only to smile at me in the end & then it went back to its running.
Suddenly I could feel the slash of the whip on my back and a pull around my neck. The surrounding noise came rushing in, filling my ear drums, the mobs, all of them, turned around to give me an annoying look.
Those eyes & those smiles I seen them somewhere they looked all too familiar, & then the realization hit me, for it was the eyes & the smirks of my face in the mirror. Am I the horse?
With the onset of this realization I looked up at that horse. I could feel even more now, his fast breathing, the sweat on his forehead, the pain of his tiring legs, the whips of those lashes & the pull from the one above.
This sensation was too much for me to hold. I was caught short of my breath & lost my balance, & if not for Aasha I would have blackened out. She backed up & took hold me up & then gave me a very puzzling look on what had happened.
After a moment of blankness when I felt I was slipping once again into an abyss, I for once looked into her eyes & then to those queering eyes of mobs and those of my friends who like the rest, seemed to have taken a pause from the proceedings to look at me, at what happened & began smiling in my customary way.
The ones who paused, on seeing that smile on me, turned back & slipped into their jeering act as business as usual.
I then looked up at Aasha having realized my truth, or should I say my fate & gave her back an assured smile that all is well right now. She then coyly closed her arms around my neck with smiling lips & teary eyed & a look that sparkled well through the rest of my night.
While somewhere in the racetrack, the dark horse was gaining momentum towards the finishing line with a slash of the whip from above.
If happiness is what, you desire for, never be awake.
I couldn't make out what's in front of my eyes, as it was all smudgy. Have my glasses frosted? I'm not sure.
Where am I? Not sure either, but there was a definite push & pull happening around, and yes a lot of jeering too. What are they jeering for? I decided to poke my nose in.
Slowly with every step the frost view melted into a clear sighting & what crescendoed before my eyes was a racetrack full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
And then, there was an announcement from the speaker
'Ladies and Gentlemen, Hold on to your bets & breath, as your race begins (he then holds for a moment) now'
Wow... Galloping horses, a sight to watch & can be matched only by a fast gait stride of the free spirited vagabonds, truly magnificent but then out here, even these vagabonds are bounded to a track under the whips & pulls of their powerful riders.
The mobs are least bothered of it all, and are into a heightened frenzy with the onset of this race & I too decided to join this frenzied charade for, I had a why.
Slowly I pushed my way towards the railing coupled with my customary smile, to catch a glimpse of this frenzied charade.
As I reached the railings, the Guy nearby greeted me with a question. 'Which one are you cheering for?...'
I haven't made a call till then, So as I was prompted, I stood over the railing, took a look at the lot & replied 'I will be rooting for the dark one...'
After all, there is always something about those dark ones, which we may never know, though having willed.
'Wonderful...' he replied, interspersing with his claps he further added 'Although I would like to say may the best one win, I always wish it’s the one I bet on...'
I looked at him with my courtesy smile, stood down, didn't bother asking in which one he has layed his bets on, but gave a pat on his back & went ahead like the rest in cheering & hounding for their lot.
As the horses came for a cross, the slogans around reached a feverish pitch & the Guy nearby stood over the railing fisting & howling 'Go boy... Go…'
Then something strange happened at that point. As the horses were making their pass, there was a momentary pause, followed by a deadening silence, then the dark one looked at me as if to say something, but rather it let its look stay on me for a while, only to smile at me in the end & then it went back to its running.
Suddenly I could feel the slash of the whip on my back and a pull around my neck. The surrounding noise came rushing in, filling my ear drums. I was lost. The mobs, for reason I could hardly fathom, turned against me, & started hounding and howling at my state. Where did the Guy go, I didn't know. Slowly I was losing my sight & sense quite rapidly.
I have to do something. In desperation, I tried pushing them all away to make a way out.
'Out... Out... Get away...' I uttered in disdain as I was getting a sickening feel deep inside my head.
As I was trying to find a way-out of what looked like a spiraling maze of madness, I heard a shrill from a lady.
'Ajay... Here... Get here!!' she yelped in her cries.
I turned back to see through the crowds. There was indeed a lady in a velvet dress calling my name. she had a flower by her ear. A yellow flower. I couldn't see much of her face though. It wasn't all that clear from this distance. So I tried making my way towards her.
'Ajay... Ajay... No...'
She shrilled more, as the mobs crowded around me.
Suddenly our Guy stepped in front of me & much to my surprise, he pushed me back with both his hands.
'Ajay... Aja...'
The voice died on me as I slipped into the darkness.
For a brief moment, I felt like, I was a fig leaf swirling under the autumn wind, in an abyss such as this life that is just slipping away, far further away into the darkness.
Where am I slipping into? I tried prodding further. Is it a well? Or am I into a cave? Or I’m between two mountains? Err It was suppose to be a racetrack isn't?! I'm not sure. I...
Thud!!
I woke up, in a bit of a shock. My head!! Ouch!! I clenched my forehead as reality sank in.
Dreams, damn them all. What are they? Can’t ever deny them, can we? Suave vanity of one's creativity, one is never sure of one's dreams, or its intent. It's like peeping into a disturbed pond of your mind, to get a glimpse of yourself, though you never sure of what's in your-self, however having let it slip away to the back of my mind, like a sly act rather, now all I'm left with is a tinge of pain right in my forehead.
So what was I dreaming about? Could hardly put it all, in one piece. It's all potsherds here, that is all the trail into the back of my mind could yield. Such is our self too, if we trail into the back of our life isn't?
Wish everyday turned this way like this inquisitive dream. Wish this life, in this day.
I looked around to see the sun prodding out of its veiling clouds.This knocking myself act has become a ritual this week around. I was getting a sense of Déjà vu. Every day comes to pass just like the one before, adding nothing more to my life, but a lot more counting.
'Let's break this cycle, for I shouldn't start a day with blotched head. Let alone a blotched dream.' I uttered to myself.
I Stood up & got to bed thinking what more my dream could have. Got to have an ending for sure, let me try scripting it then, for I have willed.
Are dreams, the masks, our repressed desires wear?!
Chapter 1: The Memoirs of a day - Morning.
Peep. Peep.
No sooner I started getting grooved for an end to my dream, my alarm shrieked me back into reality, bringing my dream to its realistic end.
'No, no no no. This can't be true. This isn't fair.' I cried in vain before twiddling across & setting it off but then at that moment, I heard it again, the voice was different but it was definitely my name that the person was calling. Am I still in my dream?
"Ajay. Wake up... Ajay. Wake up..."
As I was pushed around, I skewed my eyes in the direction of that voice.
"Ajay, your time is up... Now get your ass off that bed... Quick..."
Hah, back to reality, eh?
The voice is of Raj's & that is his usual morning greetings. He always works closely in cahoots with my alarm, surprising isn't? Don't be as they both have common purpose to pursue in life. That's to pull me down to reality, after all since when did this world & it's belongings let anyone, let alone me to pursue their dreams for long, for they will say that we are drifting far further away from reality, but if they could only see that we are actually striving hard to bring these two worlds together.
I wriggled and sat up. It was all dizzy before my eyes. 'My eyes, shit... This morning blues & not blooms.' I uttered & added '5 more minutes guys. Just five more minutes...'
With that, I cocooned again under my sheet. Good heavens! It's all bliss once again. I now need to construct an end, for I had dreamed.
Well, where was I? It was all dark, and I was slipping, but from where? Where was I?
Racetrack... It was a race...
Peep. Peep. Bloody alarm, can't it hear what I'm talking...?
'Ajay get your ass off that bed now...'
Well, apparently so was my friend, my alarm's compatriot. Unheard were they, to my needs. 'This world, what is it turning into? There ain’t any difference between Men and Machines nowadays, as they both fail to understand the other's sensibilities, if ever they had one. Call some editor!! This should be in today's morning bulletin!!' I yelped to my utter disdain.
I stood up, and as soon as I did that, I felt a thousand arms casting upon me. I was losing my hold & slipping, like a fig leaf against the streaks of morning light.
'Wow. You finally got up without much fuzz today. Definitely it's going to rain tonight.' Raj greeted me once again. Ranting & Raj are inseparable twins.
He Continued. 'Now head to the basin & refresh. It will be seven soon, so we need to be quick. You…'
I cut him off, with my morning pleasantries & prodded my-self to get ahead with the day, since I knew all too well that Raj can't be shut for long but then at the basin, I got fixated with the eyes in the mirror, the eyes that said it all that the lips in its cries could never ever, that I was in such a mess, my life was, my eyes they said it all.
Can't help, I looked back into my eyes, Life as I saw there, was nothing more than, chronology of one's chronic memoirs slipping away like a autumn leaf, off its tree. These memoirs look good when we don't remember much, just like our dream, as then the moment we live in is all the bliss we will ever have, Will will too & not our past for which we always have a secret longing with a desire IF for a change, a desire IF which inadvertently spawned our gods & their morals.
Our past, though is no different from our ideal desiring future as both are far away from our reach. Like those distant stars, we look unto them, as we go through our everyday struggle in life. Therein lay their charm, In being beyond. All erudite men realize this truth, as they grow but they don't dither and deter in their persuasion of life, of what lay ahead & beyond. Can I’ be any different??!
'Ajay, make it quick bro. It's time.'
Raj's stern voice broke the spell of my thoughts for now & how? Hmm. His purpose reminded him of pulling me back to reality, mine though will come back onto haunt me like now, on how forgotten, I'm on them.
Stop dwelling, there is a day before those eyes I reminded myself & started brushing.
The world which is usually in a fast forward mode became a tart too slower under the spell of the brush between my teeth. I felt like am holding a magic wand. Well that is the charm of our early morning, it's like our early life, where dreams are much closer to us than reality as we are, somewhere in a no man's land trudging slowly towards our reality.
I brushed off and started washing my face but then those eyes in the mirror, they where now smirking at me on my plight, as my everyday charade of running towards the life has started. It's no different from that of a race horse speeding off in the racetrack under the whip & pull of its rider. Who is my rider here? Fate or this system? I quivered in pain. I tried washing away those smirks but no matter how many times I tired splashing my face with water, but the smirk refused to go. The more I splashed, the more I could of the whip and pull. Soon the smirk broke into a laughter, the echoes of which started reeling in my ears.
The ones with nightmares they would say, that you can take a face out of a smirk but never a smirk out of a face & then all of sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder. I quivered again before skewing back, it was Raj much to my relief. With an effervescent smile he looked at me & with all the more caring he asked 'Haunting dreams again?!'
Surprised at his rant-less approach, I nodded with a faint yes after all this isn't the first morning I'm having such trouble. This has been the story of this week. Raj knew it all too well. Hence he looked up at me with all the more caring and said 'It's fine bro, cheer up!! Your nightmares will soon find itself out of place in this broad daylight, for they always rely on the tricks of our nights, counting on when we are not that sure. Go wash away your sleep and these nightmares. This day is waiting for you. Carpe Diem...'
He ended with a hiss that countered the spell on me, for good. Soon I slipped under the shower to cleanse the prodding thoughts & got baptized for the day, or so I thought.
Moments later, we were travelling in his bike heading for our office. It was a beautiful day, bathed afresh by those late night showers. The sun was gleaming across the horizon lighting various colors in our sky & in our mind. The sky as always comes on to represent what mind can at all times, it’s in being limitless. That's the desire deep down in all our minds. To be Limitless, in this life.
'Ajay! Ajay! Still clouded in those thoughts? Quit thinking bro, be an idiot, for after all ignorance is bliss. What say? Ajay are you listening?'
'Yes, no. I don't know.' I blurted out rapidly as the spells of my thoughts were broken once again. I somehow couldn't put to words on how much I wished I was ignorant at that moment, for there was an underlying fear. Why? I don't know. I could feel the whip of the racing horse again.
Raj paused for a while waiting for some more response from my end. Since I didn't prod further, he murmured a bit but went ahead with his driving. I looked away from the skies, into the bristling vehicles, fagged trees, strayed dogs, stagnant water all lit to thy eyes by those streaks of light spilling out of those up above clouds. All this is for what? Whom are we trying to please here, with this existence? And whose charade is this anyway?
I don't know but not wanting to be caught again for dwelling I strayed further away. Down the road my eyes caught sight of a head shattered cat bled to its death, not a pleasing sight, not something I would wish watching very early in the day but strangely neither can I draw my eyes away. It's an arresting experience after all, watching the dead, of the unknown to be precise. I felt bad, quite bad on knowing this, as I still couldn't draw my eyes away.
To add to my woes, we got struck there, thanks to this great Indian traffic while the carcass having lost its pair is now readily drawing the others. Flies, on having crossed past those dried blood stains are having a gala of feast on those wounded flesh. Is one's death the others feast?
I couldn't ignore the sight even as Raj whizzed away, the moment the traffic eased. I kept turning back until carcass blurted away as a dot. Is watching the dead, voyeuristic for the alive? I didn't know. I sank deeper into my thoughts for how much so I may detest them, they will always be the first I would turn up to if I have to tread further into this abyss called life.
I questioned again. Is it voyeuristic? Watching the dead? If so then, is this also a reason that draws men to war. To watch the death delivered by their very own hands to others, thereby trumping the others in our stay out here? What is war? An excuse for unleashing our repressed desires? Isn’t that the job of our dreams?! Though a war, may start for a reason or righteousness or so we say, we never know when to end, as when we go too deep, we discard the reason & the righteousness & start falling in love with war, feeling voyeuristic, result no more a matter of our concern, just the process, the process of exercising one's power is all that we crave for.
So is there an end to war? Will there ever be a peace? May be, for wars are very much like a forest fire mostly sparked off by a small tiff, it rages on bequeathing only to its elder never to the wiser. In the end though, they all go down as ashes, of no consequence.
So, is life like war? As life too like war is sparked off by a small tiff from the eyes of our beloved, a tiff that starts a raging fire from deep within, of great consequence it erupts as us in here but we bequeath ourselves to a greater rage in love, war, passion or desire although in the end, it all smolders down to ashes as death, the only consequential act in an inconsequential life.
Is this all, our life is about? An inconsequential race where death is its only consequential end?! Is it of no difference whether it’s the life of a man or of a cat for in the end, after all the run for the dreams, and for the desires, it's only the death that greets us at the finishing line neither the beyond nor the limitless, that the mind
aspires to. I shuddered at that thought as I could feel the whip of the race horse once again. What are we racing upto, if death is all that may greet us.
When I reached my office the dead cat was still hovering over my mind & the whips too. I told Raj that I will check back with him by evening & walked away to my office with a pang of conscience.
Life? Could I love it? This morning memoirs are clouding my judgment if so could I hate this life? Somehow I could do neither, much to my chagrin. After all a life is all I got, for even if I have to hate it or love it, it will all be in this one life, that I got.
With so much of emotions convulsing deep within, I reached my desk & started my PC. Much like me, it too had a slow start for the day & as it was booting, I noticed the cursor making more blinks when prompted unlike me, on a query. Realizing this, I couldn't help but convulse with a mighty roar, inviting annoying glances from my nearby cubicles.
So I cut down my tone & went ahead with my morning task of grazing through my mails wondering on how well I'm able to connect with this device & share a good laugh, something that eluded me throughout my journey, this morning.
Just then my manager pinged me asking me to catch up with him at his desk for some work. I didn't have much hope on the task ahead, after all the script doesn't change much in IT isn't? So I gave a gentle tab to my PC head & took my strides towards my manager's cubicle.
I don’t believe in any, anymore.
Epilogue
Dreams are pulling me into their world & Desires are pushing me in this world. In this push & pull of life I'm losing track of what reality is as I slipped into yet another moment of roar & utter chaos with a racetrack full of crowds busy fisting, pounding & jeering like angry mobs demanding justice.
There I could see 'My' Aasha in her Velvet gown & white gloves with a yellow flower over her ear asking me to come by her side, beside her was Garv giving a welcome nod to me. Then there was Raj standing on top of the railing & rooting his hand for the dark horse & Sir who was clapping cheerfully over the proceedings with a smoking pipe over his mouth.
Apparently with the onset of the race the crowd had gone into a heightened frenzy & I too decided to join this frenzied charade beside my group for, I had a why.
As I head closer, Aasha pulled me towards her by my hands, and gave me a hug & a kiss, and then she stokes my chin & whispers by my ear saying "Ajay look!!..."
She let her right arm wag a bit before pointing at the dark horse that's leading the pack against a verdant background.
"That's the one we made our bets at, remember & that’s the one up in front..." she yelped that last part in excitement.
Then something strange happened at that point. As the horses were making their pass, there was a momentary pause, followed by a deadening silence, then the dark one looked at me as if to say something, but rather it let its look stay on me for a while, only to smile at me in the end & then it went back to its running.
Suddenly I could feel the slash of the whip on my back and a pull around my neck. The surrounding noise came rushing in, filling my ear drums, the mobs, all of them, turned around to give me an annoying look.
Those eyes & those smiles I seen them somewhere they looked all too familiar, & then the realization hit me, for it was the eyes & the smirks of my face in the mirror. Am I the horse?
With the onset of this realization I looked up at that horse. I could feel even more now, his fast breathing, the sweat on his forehead, the pain of his tiring legs, the whips of those lashes & the pull from the one above.
This sensation was too much for me to hold. I was caught short of my breath & lost my balance, & if not for Aasha I would have blackened out. She backed up & took hold me up & then gave me a very puzzling look on what had happened.
After a moment of blankness when I felt I was slipping once again into an abyss, I for once looked into her eyes & then to those queering eyes of mobs and those of my friends who like the rest, seemed to have taken a pause from the proceedings to look at me, at what happened & began smiling in my customary way.
The ones who paused, on seeing that smile on me, turned back & slipped into their jeering act as business as usual.
I then looked up at Aasha having realized my truth, or should I say my fate & gave her back an assured smile that all is well right now. She then coyly closed her arms around my neck with smiling lips & teary eyed & a look that sparkled well through the rest of my night.
While somewhere in the racetrack, the dark horse was gaining momentum towards the finishing line with a slash of the whip from above.
If happiness is what, you desire for, never be awake.
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