Where am I? Not sure. It was all dark like a night sky, night sky?! Where are the Stars then?
"Ajay... Ajay..."
Is that a voice? All I could hear was a stiff breeze whistling across here. Then I heard it again a definite shrill, right behind my back.
"Ajay... Aja..."
For a brief moment I felt like a fig leaf swirling under the autumn wind, in an abyss such as this life that is just slipping away, far further away. Where am I? I tried prodding further.
In a well? In a cave? Between two mountains? Err I'm not sure. I...
Thud!!
I woke up, in a bit of a shock. My head!! Ouch!! I clenched my forehead as reality sunk in.
Dreams, what are they? can’t deny them can we? suave vanity of one's creativity, one is never sure of one's dreams, or its intent. It's like peeping into a disturbed pond of your mind, to get a glimpse of thou, though never sure of what's in thee, however now it had slipped away to the back of my mind, like a sly act rather, leaving behind a tinge of pain in my forehead.
So what was I dreaming about? could hardly put it all, in one piece. It's all potsherds here, that is all the trail into the back of my mind could yield. Such is our self too, if we trail into the back of our life. Wish everyday turned this way like this inquisitive dream. Wish this life, in this day.
"Let's break this cycle, for I shouldn't start a day with blotched head. Let alone a blotched dream." I uttered to myself.
I Stood up & got to bed thinking what more my dream could have. Got to have an ending for sure, let me try scripting it then, for I have willed.
Chapter 1: The Memoirs of a day - Morning.
Peep. Peep.
No sooner I started getting grooved for an end to my dream, my alarm shrieked me back into reality, bringing my dream to its realistic end.
"Ajay... Ajay..."
As I was pushed around, I skewed my eyes in the direction of that voice.
"Ajay get your ass off that bed now"
Hah, that’s Raj & that is his usual morning greetings. He always works closely in cahoots with my alarm, surprising isn't? Don't be as they both have common purpose to pursue in life. That's to pull me down to reality, after all since when did this world & it's belongings let anyone, let alone me to pursue the dreams for long, for they will say that we are drifting faraway from reality, but if they could only see that we are actually striving hard to bring those two worlds together.
I wriggled to sit up. It was all dizzy. "My eyes, shit... This morning blues & not blooms." I uttered & added "5 more minutes guys."
With that, I cocooned again under my sheet. Good heavens! It's all bliss again. I need now, to construct an end, for I had a dream, I was slipping away, like a fig leaf off it's tree? I...
Peep. Peep. Bloody alarm, can't it hear what I'm talking...?
"Ajay get your ass off that bed now."
Well, apparently so do my friend. "This world, what is it turning into? Can't make out any difference between the Man and his Machines nowadays, as they both fail to understand the others sensibilities,if ever they had one. Call some editor!! This should be in Morning bulletin!!" I yelped to my utter disdain.
As soon I stood up, I felt a thousand arms casting upon me. I was losing my hold & slipping, like a fig leaf against the streaks of
morning light.
"Wow. You finally got up without much fuzz today. Definitely it's going to rain tonight." Raj greeted me once again. Ranting & Raj are inseparable twins.
He Continued. "Now head to the basin & refresh. It will be seven soon, so we need to be quick. You…"
Can't help, I looked back into my eyes, Life as I see there, is nothing more than, chronology of one's chronic memoirs slipping away like a fig leaf, off its tree. These memoirs look good when we don't remember much, just like our dream, as then the moment we live in is all the bliss we will ever have, Will will too & not our past for which we always have a secret longing with a desire IF for a change, a desire IF which inadvertently spawned our gods & their morals.
Our past, thou is no different from our ideal desiring future as both are far away from our reach. Like those distant stars, we look unto them, as we go through our everyday struggle in life. Therein lay their charm. In being beyond. All true men realize this truth, as they grow but they don't dither and deter in their persuasion of life, of what lay ahead & beyond. Can I’ be any different??!
"Ajay, make it quick bro. It's time."
The world which is usually in a fast forward mode became tart too slower under the spell of the brush between my teeth. Well that is the charm of our early morning, where dreams are much closer to us than reality as we are, some where in a no man's land trudging forever closer to our reality.
I brushed off and started washing my face but then those eyes in the mirror, they where now smirking at me on my plight, as my everyday charade of running towards the life has started. It's no different from that of a race horse speeding off in the racetrack under the whip & pull of its rider. Who is my rider here? Fate? System? I quivered in pain. I tried washing away those smirks but no matter how many times I tired splashing my face with water, the smirk refused to go. It broke into a laughter, the echoes of which are now reeling in my ears.
Surprised at his rant-less approach, I nodded with a faint yes after all this isn't the first morning I'm having such trouble. This has been the story of this week. Raj knew it all too well. Hence he looked up at me with all the more caring and said "It's fine bro, cheer up!! Your nightmares will soon find itself out of place in this broad daylight, for they always rely on the trick of our nights, counting on when we are not that sure. Go wash away your sleep and these nightmares. This day is waiting for you. Carpe Diem."
He ended with a hiss that countered the spell on me, for good. Soon I slipped under the shower to cleanse the prodding thoughts & got baptized for the day, or so I thought.
Moments later, we where traveling in his bike heading for our office. It was a beautiful day, bathed afresh by the late night showers. The sun was gleaming across the horizon lighting various colors in our sky & in our mind. The sky as always comes on to represent what mind can at all times, it’s in being limitless. That's the desire deep down in all our minds. Limitless, to be in this life.
"Ajay! Ajay! Still clouded in those thoughts? Quit thinking bro, be an idiot, for after all ignorance is bliss. What say? Ajay are you listening?"
"Yes, no. I don't know." I blurted out rapidly as the spells of my thoughts were broken once again. I somehow couldn't put to words on how much I wished I was ignorant at that Moment, for there was an underlying fear. Why? I don't know. I could feel the whip of the racing horse then.
Raj paused for a while waiting for some more response from my end. I didn't prod further. So he murmured a bit but went on with his driving. I looked away from the skies, into the bristling vehicles, fagged trees, strayed dogs, stagnant water all lit to thy eyes by those streaks of light spilling out of those up above clouds. All this for what? or to please whom?
I don't know but not wanting to be caught again for dwelling I strayed further away. Down the road my eyes caught sight of a head shattered cat bled to its death, not a pleasing sight, not something I would wish watching very early in the day but strangely neither can I draw my eyes away. It's an arresting experience after all, watching the dead, of the unknown to be precise. I felt bad, quite bad on knowing this, as I still couldn't draw my eyes away.
To add to my woes, we got struck there, thanks to this great Indian traffic while the carcass having lost its pair is now readily drawing the others who on having crossed past those dried blood stains are having a gala of feast on those wounded flesh. Is one's death the others feast?
I sank deeper into my thoughts for how much so I may detest, my thoughts will always be the first I turn up to if I have to tread further in this life.
I questioned again. Is it voyeuristic? watching the dead? If so then, is this also a reason that draws men to war. To watch the death delivered by their very own hands to others, thereby triumphing the others in our stay out here? What is war? An excuse to unleash our repressed desires? Though it may start for a reason or righteousness or so we say, we never know when to end, as when we go too deep, we discard the reason & the righteousness & start falling in love with war, feeling voyeuristic, result no more a matter of our concern, just the process, the process of exercising one's power.
So is there an end to war? Will there ever be a peace? May be, for wars are very much like a forest fire mostly sparked off by a small tiff a raging fire bequeaths only to its elder never to the wiser. In the end though, they all go down as ashes, of no consequence.
So, Is life like war? Well life too is sparked off by a small tiff from the eyes of our beloved, a tiff that starts a raging fire from deep within, of great consequence it erupts as us in here but we bequeath our self to a greater rage in love, war, passion or desire although in the end, it all smolders down to ashes as death, the only consequential act in an inconsequential life.
Is this all, our life is about? An inconsequential race with death as its only consequence. Is it of no difference whether its the life of aman or of a cat for in the end, after all the run for the dreams, and for the desires it's only the death that greets us at the finishing line not the beyond nor the limitless, that the mind aspires to. I shuddered at that thought as I could feel the whip of the race horse once again.
When I reached my office the dead cat was still hovering over my mind. I told Raj that I will check back with him by evening & walked away to my office with a pang of conscience. Life? Could I love it? This morning memoirs are clouding my judgement but then could I hate it? This life? Somehow I couldn't either, much to my chagrin. After all a life is all I got, for even if I have to hate, It will all be in a life, that I got.
With so much of emotions convulsing deep within, I reached my desk & started my PC. Like me, it too took its time to get itself up for the day. As it booted, I noticed the cursor having more blinks than me. On seeing this, I couldn't help but convulse with a mighty roar, inviting annoying glances from my nearby cubicles.
I cut down my tone immediately & went ahead with my morning task of grazing through my mails wondering on how well I'm able to connect with this device & share a good laugh, something that eluded me throughout my journey, since morning. Just then my manager pinged me asking me to catch up with him at his desk for some work.
I didn't have much hopes on the task ahead, after all the script doesn't change much in IT.
